They did not come to claim you back,

This is how she found a tortoise

There is tension not only in the names between her name and her birthname, but also there is tension within her mother’s actions. Her mother really is selfishly looking out the window for the return of the birthparents. It just so happens that she stumbles upon doing good in this process. Whenever my intentions are for something else, and I happen to do a good deed and receive praise for it, I feel guilty. For example, if I see a twenty dollar bill on the ground, and I turn it in to the lost and found with the hope that no one will claim it, my intentions are in the wrong place. If the person who lost that twenty dollars thanks me, I would feel guilty because I knew that deep down inside I wanted that twenty dollars. I was secretly hoping that someone wouldn’t claim it.

It's how she knew roof-rats raised families

It's almost forty years.

I went to them. And now I know

Would have stayed in trigonometry and taken up

The harp. Math soothed you; music

Made you bold; and science, completely

Curated, in your adolescence,

Now I am confused again. Didn’t she just say her life was doubled with living two lives now? However, at the end she leaves us with the notion that her life is not doubled-only one person is born. I think she takes a stance at the end here and says that she is going to live the life of her name that she was given-the name she has always known. Though she has this road in front of her leading to a new life under her real birthname, she is not going to take it. God gives us things in life for a reason. McPherson trusts in fate and will not try to undo her past. She has no regrets and realizes that she cannot relive the past. The shyness and quietness of her poem has ended. McPherson shouts out to me at the end of the poem with confidence: "This is who I am!" It is moments like this that are truly memorable in our lives: knowing who we really are.

by sandra mcpherson

nor could she raise her voice.

it is difficult for me now, after listening to mcpherson read the poem, to separate the emotion she expressed from the words on the page, but i guess that's not really bad. anyway . . . these first lines seem to express a certain urgency or bewilderment, even frustration, in the narrator, this mother in reaction to her "odd" daughter, as mcpherson put it in the interview. It is an interesting thing (voice volume) to be unable to "figure out," and it seems it would be extremely hard for the mother to understand, to relate to.

in witnesses to her sense of touch.

the first four lines were bewilderment and disappointment--the mother tried . . . and the daughter couldn't. But this new line is a sort of exciting redemption: "then i found such a whisper," she says. She suddenly finds some sort of connection with her daughter, after being denied so many times. It is interesting that she can call it a "whisper" and can see it as that same sort of connection even though it really isn't. It's really an odd message in snails. But it is as if the author is realizing that these "silver memos" and "witnesses," however odd, are a bridge between her daughter's world and her own.

H, 12 snails . . . I, 7 or 6

i like the use of the words "slurred and searching" because it seems like a metaphor for the way mcpherson oftentimes perceives her daughter. It's interesting that the "HI" message existed for a only a several seconds and then was slowly "erased"--as probably oftentimes the daughter's attempts to communicate are. They maybe seem clear to the daughter, but they are soon lost in the confusion of their different ways of communicating. That seems a big thing that is brought out in this poem--a great, vivid image of the difference in how they communicate.

their eyestalks smooth as nylons on tiny legs

the narrator seems to watch almost helplessly as the message is "misspelled" and "digressed." This seems a great visual of Mcpherson's frustration . . . she is watching her daughter's clear message, her bridge into Mcpherson's world of "whispering," slowly dissipate. The sort of clumsy, comical words to she uses to describe this are interesting. It's almost as if she's saying, "stupid snails . . . quite messing it up"--as if she's letting her frustration, and probably need to sometimes laugh at the situation, come out through the metaphor.

why else don't they wend homeward to ground?

this first line seems a sort of abrupt switch, back to talking directly about her daughter. it is interesting that she's talking about communicating and then she says that she was in isolation . . . not much communicating happens there. does she think this is partly to blame?

This next part about the snails seems a different perspective of them. Instead of being described in a sort of clumsy way, this seems a much more positive image of them. They "keep climbing" and they see their struggle as "lovely." The snails, the things that are impeding her daughter's ability to communicate--also her path to communication--are persevering. They don't give up, and they see the struggle as beautiful.

how to move towards one another.

When you were booked and I had to confiscate your pocketknife

I love reading lyrics to blues music, so maybe this poem attracted my attention simply because of its form. McPherson, as she said before reading this poem on the tape, has a daughter Phoebe, who was born with Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism (I found the clinical name from a website on McPherson). Since we all know the incident of theft upon which this story is based, I'll continue on with my interpretation assuming you know the story...I guess the first thing that jumps out at me about this poem is its title. McPherson seems to put blame on her own shoulders for what her daughter has done. By calling the poem "Bad Mother Blues," she seems willing (and wanting) to accept the consequences of the theft. She wants to take the place of her daughter and forget that such a sad thing ever happened. It's the mother who's bad, not the child. The first two lines of the poem are spoken with a sense of anguish and fragility. I can picture McPherson sitting her daughter down and telling her about the tremendous embarrassment that getting caught for stealing brings upon the family.

It had blood on it from where you'd tried to take your life

This suicide attempt raises the stakes dramatically. McPherson has to be wondering what she can do to help her daughter. In a sense, McPherson is playing the role of the authorities, saving her daughter from herself when times are tough.

The night before Thanksgiving, all the family coming over

The repetition of lines seems appropriate because it relates a sense of disbelief. It's almost as though McPherson has to repeat the line one more time just to make herself come to grips with reality of the situation. Could Phoebe's problem have occurred at a worse time? The entire family was about to come over. Now the shame is extended in scope. The tone of the poem picks up in the second line of the stanza. Can you believe it? The night before, said again in order to remind herself of the horrible situation. McPherson must consciously focus on her position to understand the possibilities for healing or action. She must repeat aloud the terrible circumstances to understand them better.

We had to hide your porno magazine and put your handcuff's undercover

This line seems to clash with the one right above it. Before, we are told about the family coming over, a very public and community-oriented time. A loving time. Now things have to be hidden from everyone else. There's a secret in the family. Phoebe's theft and attempted sucicide has brought so much shame that part of the Thanksgiving gathering will take place under a cloud of darkness. From the line above, we hear about the family coming over. But now the handcuff's needed to be put undercover. Coming over versus undercover. Two very different ideas. One brings out a sense of triumph and bravery, the other an act of cowardness or fragility.

Each man looked straight down on you, like a waiting astronomer's star

Now McPherson has started to recall the pictures in the magazine. Her daughter has lost some of her innocence and given up some of her power. The men, already naked, refer to Phoebe as Baby. They are staring at her like a sex object just like she's staring at them. I wonder why McPherson chooses to put the dialogue into the mouths of the men -- is it the naked men who are saying Baby who do you think you are, or is it McPherson's inner conscious wondering why her little baby is doing such an adult act -who does baby Phoebe think she is? Moreover, now McPherson pictures each man looking down on Phoebe. To me, this represents a loss of power. Phoebe has given in to her womanly desires and, in the process, has lost some of the innocence that provides the youth with their power. Like an astronomer's star...Perhaps McPherson is pointing to the fact that God can see what Phoebe has done. The stars come out at night and can see the world at all times. The astronomer focuses on the stars. Phoebe focuses on the men. God focuses on Phoebe when she commits the sin of looking at naked men, after stealing them from a store.

Solely, disgustedly, each wagged his luster

More sexual imagery. McPherson sees the images as a disgusting because she objects to their content, but also because they played a part in her daughter's crime. The men on the revealing pages have come alive, they have taken away part of Phoebe's innocence and blind trust. McPherson watches what her daughter risked getting into trouble for--disgusting men, sexual tension, shallow beings. Why would her daughter do such a thing?

Decided I'll throw horror down the well and wish on it

McPherson decides to use this terrible circumstance for the chance of a better tomorrow. I always associate a wishing well with goodness, but McPherson wants to throw away the vileness of the world and turn it into something better. Perhaps she is coming to terms with how her daughter must be dealt with. Sure, she has committed a stupid act, but it's best to put such things past--throw the bad down the well, wish for it to turn out better. Here the repetition of lines seems to deal with decision-making. In the first line, a choice is made. In the second, it's affirmed.

And up from the water will shine my sweet girl in her baby bonnet

McPherson is hoping for a return to the past, before Phoebe lost her innocence and trustworthiness. She pictures her girl, not just any girl though, a sweet girl in her baby bonnet coming from the well. Not many images can be more comforting. This is quite a different picture than that of a shameful naked man. A baby bonnet is associated with promises of the good life and enjoyment. McPherson wants those promises back.

A thief will blind you with his flashlight but a daughter be your bouquet

Two different images here. Two different sounds. The thief attempts to do things when you cannot see--you are blinded by the evil eminating from his or her body. You cannot enjoy the thief who wants to take things from you when you cannot see in the darkness. On the other hand, a daughter is fragile like a bouquet. A daughter does not bring pain into the world--a daughter brings joy and comfort. McPherson contrasts the harsh and mysterious words of blind and flashlight with cleaner words like daughter and bouquet. In this one line alone we see the conflict between Phoebe the innocent girl and Phoebe the adolescent girl who wants to, needs to, hide things away from her family and other forms of authority.

When the thief's your daughter you turn your eyes the other way

The two different images collide. I'm not sure whether McPherson turns away merely because the lights are now in her eyes, or because she doesn't want to see what's on the other side--now that her daughter's there. Does she want to forget about the whole episode, turn her cheek the other way and let it fall to the wayside. Or does she need to come to a better understanding of right and wrong with her daughter? Perhaps now that the daughter is shining light on her mother's face, the mother wants to hide away herself, away from the glare and shame of the theft.

I'm going into the sunflower field so all of them are facing me

The line repetition makes it clear that she plans to reach a destination. But what is it? I see the sunflower field as an escape from the sin and vice of the real world. Into the sunflower field naked men cannot go. It is the place where innocence never dies and problems do not arise. On the other hand, I could see the sunflowers representing society, her family. She's going back into the glare of her family and she's going to be forced to explain what's taken place with Phoebe. She's going to notice the looks of everyone who will want to know how she's making out in light of the theft and attempted suicide. It is her time to shine now. McPherson must shine because all eyes will be on her.

Going to go behind the sunflowers, feel all the sun that I can't see

If she's referring to the glare of her family and friends, it seems that she envisions feeling the heat of their questions but not being able to see the light of the sun. She feels the warmness of their relationships, but cannot see the rewards. Perhaps McPherson wants her daughter to return to an innocent and child-like state, but now she knows it's too late. She's going away, behind the sunflowers, where shadows creep in and block the view of perfection. In light of recent events, she has found the shadows in her flower filled prairie, but will she ever see only the sun again?

Bad Mother Blues

When you were arrested child and I had to take your pocket knife

When you were booked and I had to confiscate your pocket knife

It had blood on it from where you tried to take your life

It was the night before Thanksgiving, all your family was coming over

The night before Thanksgiving, all your family coming over

We had to hide your porno magazine and put your handcuffs undercover.

Each naked man looked at you and said, "baby, who do you think you are?"

Each man looked straight down on you, like waiting astronomer star

Slowly, disgustedly, each wagged his luster

I've decided to throw horror down the well with a wish on it

I've decided I'll throw horror down the well and wish on it

And up from the water will shine my sweet girl in her baby bonnet

A thief will shine you with his flashlight, but a daughter be your bouquet

A thief will blind you with his flashlight, but a daughter be your bouquet

When the thief is your daughter, you turn your eyes the other way.

I'm going into the sunflower field where all of them are facing me

I'm going into the sunflower field, so all of them are facing me

Going to go behind the sunflowers, feel all the sun that I can't see

McPherson on The Language of Life Cassette.

What a sad and arresting poem! McPherson does an excellent job of using vivid imagery to compel a sense of longing and pain in her words. This poem is rife with years of pent up anger and frustration, yet a sense of loving acceptance which dance together throughout the lines. I think the power of this poem is in the final stanza. On one level, the speaker wants to run away to a happy place, a patch of sunflowers, and hide from the embarrassment caused by her child. On a deeper level, I think the mother is crying out to the child she wishes she had, the child beyond the disease. She wants to pull back the sunflowers and find the child she loves, her daughter. This ideal, cured, daughter is the sun that is sometimes obscured by the tall, thick flowers of her theft and misbehavior.

The same imagery and theme can be observed in the fourth stanza. Again, the speaker is throwing a wish down into the a well, tossing it away, in hopes of the perfect daughter. This entire poem reminds me of "My Papa's Waltz" by Roethke, in that there is a deep sense of routine and detachment. The mother is so used to sacrificing for her daughter that it has become second nature.

One point in the poem I don't understand is the image of "great astronomer star." What imagery does this produce? When I heard this poem, nothing came to mind for this image. What does McPherson intend?

"One Way She Spoke to Me"

I would say whisper,

And she could never figure how to do it.

I would say speak louder into the phone,

Nor could she raise her voice.

But then I found such a whisper

Betrayal, as she began to write to me in snails,

In silver memos on the front door,

In witnesses to her sense of touch.

Home late, I found them slurred and searching,

Erasing the welcome she’d arranged them in.

‘H’ twelve snails. ‘I’ seven or six.

They were misspelling it,

Digressing in wayward caravans and pileups.

Mobile and rolling, but with little perspective,

Their eye stalks smooth as nylons on tiny legs.

I raised her in isolation,

But it is these snails who keep climbing the walls.

For them maybe every vertical makes an unending tree,

And every ascension’s lovely.

Why else don’t they wend homeward to ground?

But what do we do?

We are only a part of a letter in a word,

And we are on our bellies with speech, wondering,

Wondering slowly how to move toward one another.

(I hope this is the correct form for this poem!!! Please let me know if there are errors!!)

Nor could she raise her voice.

This sounds like a reference to a child, one who has no setting between off and high. After the author’s story about the snails her daughter left for her, this becomes an obvious reference to the childish nature of her daughter’s autistic mind. Immediately the difficulties of the author’s relationship with her daughter surface and remain in focus throughout the rest of the poem. These four lines have a sad quality that reveals a lack of communication between the author and her daughter. She has taken a relationship that is supposed to be precious… many say that when a woman gives birth to a girl, she gives birth to her best friend. This relationship is obviously buried and the mother’s heartbreak is evident. However, this information can only be uncovered through the author’s life experience.

In witnesses to her sense of touch.

This is the point where communication meets between the two. The author finally is able to recognize some sort of connection within her daughter for her. Of course, the message did not come in a traditional manner, but rather in the form of garden snails, carefully placed upon the front door to great a loved mother upon her return. Their placement must have taken time and care… and thought, perhaps the most important element of all.

‘H’ twelve snails. ‘I’ seven or six.

I think there is an emphasis on "home late" at the beginning of this group of lines. If the mother had been home earlier to appreciate her daughter’s creation and to appreciate her daughter in general, she would have gotten the message loud and clear. However, as it was, she found it in disarray. Each snail floating in its own individual direction, just as her daughter’s mind would flit from one thing to the next, child-like, for the rest of her life.

Their eye stalks smooth as nylons on tiny legs.

The author seems to feel the injury of the snail’s movement. She wishes they would remain in place, holding their message for her to see, for her to talk about with her daughter. There is a sense of anger in these lines. The snails have "little perspective" because they do not see the whole situation. They do not see the meaning her daughter had intended them to convey and within that lack of understanding, they have ruined the message. The snails are digressing as her daughter’s child-like mind digresses, flitting from topic to topic. The snails that are visible evidence of one of her daughter’s moments of clarity, have no respect for that clarity.

Why else don’t they wend homeward to ground?

I’m not certain of the meaning of this section of the poem. The author seems to be making reference to her daughter’s disability and the fact that the girl cannot move beyond the boundaries of the house. But perhaps the snails are also a representatives of her daughter’s mind. The snails keep climbing, moving upward, sideways, or wherever just as her daughter’s mind moves rapidly in multiple directions. The last line seems to be a plea to her daughter as represented by the snails. Why doesn’t her daughter come back to the solid footing of reality and become the best friend that she was intended to be.

Wondering slowly, how to move toward one another.